Are You Supportive 👏🏼 or Critical😬?

     Are you supportive or do you criticize? Think about the answer. We all like to think  we support our families and friends. I know this is something I struggle with because my knee-jerk reaction leans toward negativity. Unfortunately, sometimes I open my mouth before I take the time to consider all the angles. The consequences of that usually embarrasses the hell out of me. I at least try to see things from the other person’s viewpoint, even if retrospectively.

     I recently gave someone important in my life a gift. It wasn’t expensive, wasn’t extraordinary, just something I thought they might like and have fun with. I couldn’t wait to see if they liked my gift  🎁 and wasn’t disappointed. They loved it! The sad part is that when my friend told another friend about the gift, their comment was (or words to this effect) “Is it really good enough?” In one fell swoop there was criticism and lack of support for the giver and receiver. I suddenly felt the gift was a mistake. I know, what someone else thinks shouldn’t matter and if I was a perfect person, it wouldn’t have. However for a couple of days, I’m ashamed to say, it did bother me.

     Why do we feel the the need to be critical? Why do we withhold support? It always helps me to try to see things from the other person’s point of view. Could my friend’s friend just have said something like, “how cool or that’s nice”? No matter what they thought about the gift, that gift wasn’t going to impact their life in any way. Most likely, they would never even see it so why did they feel an obligation to judge it? I used to make a lot of my clothes in the 70s and 80s and I think I got pretty good at it. I remember making a dress from a complicated pattern. It turned out pretty well and I was proud of my achievement. The first time I wore it to work a co-worker, who also sewed many of her own clothes, told me it was cute then went on to say, “It must have been an easy pattern because you couldn’t possible have made it otherwise”. Ouch! 😣 I continued to sew but a little chunk of the confidence in my sewing skills was destroyed. 

     We all have experienced incidents like this. I’ve certainly had my share of discouraging remarks come my way. So, I ask again, why do we feel the need to criticize? If someone comes to you in the blush of a new relationship, why the need to point out all the reasons why it won’t work? If you have an idea for a business, for redecorating your home, a new haircut, a beard or mustache or a new job, why does the person you share this news with feel the need to be that negative voice? There are always reasons not to do something and believe me, when you embark on any new endeavor the biggest negative voice is usually your own. We don’t need another one pointing out what we already have rolling around in our brain.

      If you ask for advice or an opinion, then the presumption is you are ready for whatever response comes your way. My husband dislikes unsolicited advice. I understand that; I guess I do too. I usually only seek an opinion from someone I trust. That person is Not a negative person but one who will give me an honest assessment, good or bad. However, we all have people in our lives who give their negative view whether solicited or not. In keeping with my resolve to try to see both sides, maybe naysayers are trying to save you from disappointment or failure. While that is really nice, we learn more from our failures. We learn to pick ourselves up, dust off, re-evaluate, reorganize. Then we begin again.

     I think social media only adds to emboldening people to be negative. How many times a day are you asked to Like 👍 or Unlike 👎 something, presumably anonymously? After all, if you are anonymous there are no consequences to your vote, right? But if you apply that paradigm to everyday life, there are consequences. Words hurt! Negative opinions belittle and demean. Naysayers don’t seem to believe those to whom they give their (negative) advice are capable of handling their own lives. They need someone else to “fix” it. That seems pretty ambitious to me, and tiring. 😴 Isn’t it tough enough to manage your own life without having to manage someone else’s life too? Maybe we should all just mind our own Beeswax, don’t ya think?

     I was raised with “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Where did that go? If you can’t resist saying something, how about making the comment more positive. When my friend told their friend about my Christmas gift, instead of asking if it was good enough, why not say something about it being a thoughtful or fun gift? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, about everything. Just use your inner-censor before you express it. Maybe the problem is we don’t exercise our inner-censor enough and it’s become sedentary. It just becomes easier and easier not to think before we open our mouths. Stop it! Thinking first is important. Words hurt, words can permanently scar. Words can have a long term effect. We all need to be kinder. What the world needs now is love… so spread some love the next time someone tells you something that would normally engender a negative response from you. You’ll find it is just as easy to be  kind.