Do you remember when you realized your parents were people, too? When you figured out they had faults and foibles; they weren’t perfect and didn’t always have the right answers. Can you think of a time when your parents had a problem or problems they were struggling with and you might have gone to them with a problem but they couldn’t help? Remember the first time they acted in a way that either shocked or upset you? It probably changed the way you felt about them or, at least, perceived them.
It is hard to see your parents as vulnerable, sad, weak or imperfect. After all, these are the people you go to when you have a problem, injury or question and they are always there and know what’s best. Suddenly, they’re just ordinary people like the ones you work with or your teachers or people you encounter every day: the mailman, UPS driver, hairdresser or construction worker, etc.
If you’re lucky, that realization is the doorway to a different relationship with the most influential people in your life. The ones you learn from, watch and emulate your whole life. Now you can relate to each other differently, more maturely. Some find mutual respect that didn’t exist before, a kind of peer acceptance of each other. It can be a good thing.
And sometimes, you may have to be a caregiver. It’s never easy to have your roles reversed with a parent. Maybe disease, either a physical or mental one, finds you having to take care of the daily routines for your parent, all the things they used to do for you. A lot of emotions surface; resentment, guilt, anger, confusion, frustration but more importantly, grief. You weren’t prepared for this. Not ready for the added responsibilities. You have your own stuff to deal with, how can you take on more?
Suddenly you are confronted with the truth that one day, maybe sooner than you anticipated, your parent(s) will die. They will be gone from your life. All the things you wish you’d asked them, the times you could have spent together, gone. None of us are promised tomorrow. Unfortunately, most of us won’t realize what we’ve lost until it’s too late.
My father died too young, too suddenly. I miss him. My love of country, my patriotism comes from him. I’ve been without him for forty years, more than half my life. My mother has been gone about twelve years. She taught me perseverance and self-reliance and so much more. I wish we could still talk every day. She lived alone for the last several years of her life. Toward the end, she needed help and my wonderful sister became her caregiver. She made Mom’s last couple of years easy, safe and happy. I will be forever grateful to her for that.
We make sure, as we age, that we have life insurance, a funeral planned; we instruct our relatives of our wishes with regard to a lingering illness or incapacitation. As parents, what we can’t prepare our children for is the day they lose us. The day they become orphans. We don’t want them to have to confront a time when they may very well become a caregiver. My Dad’s mother necessitated being put in a nursing home because she just couldn’t take care of herself anymore. It was a difficult decision but it had to be made. I believe my mother moved herself into an assisted living facility because her home became too much to care for, maybe she didn’t feel safe anymore. It was the right thing for her to do.
Not wanting to face the inevitable isn’t an excuse for not doing something. No parent wants to be a burden. You can help start that by seeing your parents as they are. Accept they won’t always be around. Find out what you need to do if the worst case scenario happens and you find yourself a caretaker. Get instructions, directives, plans in place. You won’t be overwhelmed if things have already been planned. Figuring things out during a time of extreme stress isn’t the best time to start trying to see them more realistically.
Soosey’s Ruminations 