My husband will tell you, I visibly bristle when I hear someone telling a little girl that she’s “pretty”. Why not tell her she’s smart or kind or funny? Strong, brave or courageous? That she is a great leader?
The pressure starts early. The message is clear. Being pretty is important. Being pretty makes people happy. When was the last time you told someone they were pretty or cute or even beautiful with a scowl on your face? When did you scream it in anger? Children want the people around them to be happy, cheerful. Their little lives are easier when everyone around them, especially the adults in their life, are in a good mood. The cycle of pleasing starts.
We have to begin empowering our children right from the beginning. Self-esteem doesn’t just happen at some predetermined age. Our kids need to know it is good and imperative to love themselves. If you feel good about who you are, bullies lose the power to hurt you. If you’ve been raised to believe in yourself, your unique talents and skills, I believe nothing can stop you.
Let’s be honest, everyone goes through the stages when we lose teeth or we need braces or we need to start wearing glasses. We may struggle with acne, we don’t seem to grow taller or we have an early growth spurt and wind up taller than everyone else in the class. We out-grow clothes too fast. I was a chubby little girl. I couldn’t wait to grow taller because my logic said if I was taller, my weight would be distributed over more area. Duh, instantly thinner! Didn’t happen that way. I didn’t get much taller and I didn’t lose my “baby” fat until I got mononucleosis when I was a sophomore in high school. I had a bad case of strep throat and couldn’t swallow anything. While getting treatment for the strep, my doctor discovered the mono. Upside, I lost a little over twenty pounds.
I went to a public high school and yet, we were required to wear uniforms to school. The uniform was a straight, a-line or pleated black or navy blue skirt; white, short or long-sleeved blouse. The boys had to wear dark color slacks or jeans and a white shirt. The students were allowed to wear any sweater, vest or jacket with the uniform to “personalize” their outfits. It was meant to eliminate any competition created by trying to outdo each other.
Let’s face it, there are hundreds of things to “pick” on someone: hair, clothes, weight, intelligence, money, possessions, cars, etc. We are all raised with biases. We are all raised with prejudices and the opinions of those around us. However, I believe parents can change how children react to teasing and bullying. Tell them right from the start all those things that will build their self-esteem and self-confidence; how smart they are, how strong and courageous, what a good helper and leader they are, what a good problem-solver they are and how loving and considerate they are of other people. And parents should teach through example.
I know my life has been much harder because I was raised to please, well everyone. It’s a pretty tall order to fill, especially if you are a child. There’s nothing wrong with telling any child they are cute or pretty, especially if it’s a special occasion when they are all dressed up. However, if you can’t engage the child in conversation, please don’t resort to “Oh, you’re so pretty/cute/handsome” and then smile broadly at them like that’s the only reason you are so pleased with them.
Soosey’s Ruminations 